Beautifully Human

Hello my friends!!! How I have missed you! I am currently at orientation for my trip to Poland and will have a few breaks each day so I am going to try and get you caught up by writing a little bit a day!

I'm so excited to be here and cannot wait to see what God has in store!

So let's get caught up by starting with something practical: what God has been teaching me over the last few weeks.

It started with a conversation between RJ and I one evening. I came home after a very long day at my 2 jobs, only to work on finishing my final paper due at midnight. I walked in kissed him hello and selfishly began a rant of complaint, though I didn't see it at the time.

Now before I get into this glorious moment of my life, let's fast forward to the conversation that came after I finished my paper.

Here's a somewhat summarized version of what was said, it started with a simple question.

"What do you want to do after you finish school? What's your plan?"
I sort of smirked at the question --I get it a lot. I replied,
"I guess I don't really know specifically. I know I want to work for, or start a non-profit but really just where ever God wants me".

[Extended period of awkward silence]

I chimed in, "Uhm are you saying I'm wasting my time?"

"No, no, not at all. I am not sure I'm understanding you. So, you don't know what you want to do?"

I went into what I'd like to call a God-driven moment of faith, explaining,
"Well, I mean God told me to go to seminary and then opened all the doors for me to go. He's given me the provision to live and pay for school on part time jobs, so I just trust he's in control and I can't see the big picture yet. I have to assume in faith that God is going to open the doors for the job he wants me to have."

We both sat quietly and in the moment I felt quite good. Thinking to myself...wow my faith is so strong, I really do believe that and know it as truth. I was impressed with myself.

RJ's reply affirmed my thoughts,"Wow babe, I am really in awe of your faith, I mean you truly trust God. When you talk like that I'm reminded of one of the reasons I fell in love with you... (you can imagine how big I'm smiling, blushing, and so puffed up I could be the next michelin man at this point).

To my horrible shock the sentence continued with a dreaded word "...but..." RJ continued, "I just cant help but feel there's a disconnect between that faith and your actions sometimes."

I said nothing, I just concentrated on keeping my jaw from falling ajar as he went on,

"I mean you came in here complaining about every light in the house being on, work, your paper and I just don't see the match up."

I felt like a small dagger had not only popped my puffed up faith bubble but pierced my heart.

RJ wasn't the one who punctured the blown up perception of myself- it was God. God used very hard to hear words to bring me face to face with my humanity.

Faith is more than belief. It's more than a feeling of confidence in God's plan. It is an action. Faith is active and intentional. In every single moment.

This conversation made me realize that my faithfulness begins in the little things. My big faith is irrelevant if I'm not living my everyday life in the actions of faith (faith in action=love, joy, peace,patience,kindness,goodness, self-control). True spiritual maturity is living and using faith to help you maintain an attitude that sets you apart.

Two things also important to note:
Typically in the past I would've gone into defense mode and felt attacked. The ability to receive (or speak) truth in love shows humility and spiritual maturity. So in spite of my lack of faith in action, God is still working and growing in me.

The second is to remember that just when you think you've got it all together and are sitting comfortably on your high horse, God will not hesitate to kick and send you flying off. There's always going to be room for improvement in ourselves; that is the beauty of our relationships with God, he is evolving us and adjusting us; pushing us to be more like Jesus in everything we do.

I'm beautifully human. Failing yet growing, learning, and loved by a grace-filled God.

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